One liners - an even baker's dozen!

If you don't pay your exorcist you may get repossessed.

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

If a man says something in a forest with no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

I tried writing a drinking song, but I couldn't get past the first few bars.

The race for progress has no finish line; so, technically, it's more a death march.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

A will is a dead giveaway.

You're unique and special.........just like everyone else!

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

I couldn't get lucky in a women's penitentiary with a handful of pardons.

Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.

They say gambling is a sin, but I bet you 10 to 1 it isn't.

Did you hear the pope came down with bird flu? He caught it from a cardinal. (OK, ok, it's not a one-liner, but I'm done!)